Everyone possesses a fantasy where an ex comes crawling back bereft of pride longing to be accepted back. The reason this is such a prevalent dream stems from it not happening too often. If every ex wanted to reconnect, a single cycle of couples would exist. Because real life is always more complicated, one needs a plan to gracefully address how to handle the unwanted advances of an ex.
The Initial Salvo
This generally comes out of the blue. If one remains in contact with an ex, they are fully award of what is going on and there should not be a request for reestablishing the relationship. Taking important steps at the outset are key when receiving the call, email or visit where an ex pleads to come back.
* Take Time: Just because they have formulated their thoughts and feelings does not mean one must respond in the now. Despite being tempted to shut things down immediately, asking for some time to think about what has been said will give the correct impression and allow them to feel as though their request has been seriously pondered.
* Consider the Request: While easy to think you know how you feel, you should deeply debate what is being asked. This is done to accurate assess what you feel and why. You can address their concerns in advance in later steps. Also, it might prevent you from looking foolish should you decide after a short time you want them back. It does not hurt to think things through.
The Response
Your answer will be the most fraught with tension. They have been waiting for it. You are placing yourself at risk and possibly acting as someone who could be characterized negatively. Use these as guideposts in giving your reply to the request.
* Be firm and honest about how you feel. Being too soft will only leave the door open for another uncomfortable conversation.
* Explain things from your side. They have come to you and do not know what you think or feel, so they need to understand.
* Keep it short and kind. Acting like you could not think less of them is unnecessary. Regardless of how you feel, they were vulnerable with you, so respect them.
Resist the Push Back
After the response, your ex is likely to come back again or argue particular points. This will happen because they have already put themselves out there once and feel less concerned about doing it again. Think about all the times you have tried something challenging. After discovering you did not die and it was far easier than expected, there is less internal resistance to do it a second time.
For this reason, you will need to fight against a plan to be manipulated. Your ex might not be intending to do it, but hearing no triggers a combative response in people. They will access deep reserves. Also, they may use arguments deemed too rude or base during their opening request. You will need to rely on yourself, what you know and the inner strength you have developed.
Telling someone no in any context is hard. This is why we couch so many things with language designed to soften the blow. In this setting, your firmness is the kindest thing you can offer to your ex while being careful not to dip into cruelty. If you care about them, you will release them and yourself to a future free of second guessing.
